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Saturday, May 5, 2012

I Am Still Here

Your loved one may not be able to communicate with you the way that they want, but they still want you to communicate with them.  They crave attention and normalcy. Talk to them frequently.  It gets lonely inside their own mind.

Often times, people who are different are treated differently - not that that isn't necessary due to their circumstances - but, they want to be treated like they are normal, as much as is possible.  Don't avoid them because you think they don't know what is going on.  Often, they do know. Clarity and levels of reasoning fluctuate day to day, and, sometimes, someone who is fairly clear in the morning will struggle later in the day. They are wishing you would ask for their help, so they can feel needed.  So, even if you don't need it, and even if they can't do the task properly, let them help.  One of the first things people go through with this disease is, as soon as everyone figures out they have Alzheimer's/dementia, they get treated like they can't do anything.  They can do things; it may be different than they used to do it.  You need to find something they can successfully complete.

When I was an administrator of an assisted living facility, I had a very kind gentleman who really thought I needed help with my job.  He had full blown Alzheimer's.  I couldn't figure out anything for him to do; but, I knew I needed to, because he came to my office every day wanting to help.  One day he saw that my closet was full of boxes and supplies.  He asked me when he should move them.  Well, there was the answer right in front of my face.  I got him a cart on which to load the boxes.  He loaded all 20 of them on the cart.  I had him walk down 3 halls that led him right back to my office.  He unloaded those boxes back into the same closet and I thanked him for all his hard work.  He went back to his apartment and was happy and satisfied for the rest of the day.  This went on for about 6 months, until he couldn't do it any longer and forgot about his job.  This may sound insignificant, or even mean.  It wasn't.  I asked him to do this task because I knew it would give him a sense of purpose each day.  He got out of his apartment, got a little physical activity and socialized with the staff and other residents.  But, most importantly, he knew he was needed and appreciated.

Find a way to communicate that does not seem condescending.  Find something that your loved one can do that makes them feel good and important.  We never lose our sense of being needed and loved, let alone the need for communication.  Read the newspaper together; do their devotional with them (or for them); strive to develop and maintain a routine.  If the laundry gets folded the wrong way, what does that really matter?  Maybe they can stir something while you are making dinner.  Have them do these things every day.  Keep them involved in any way you can.  Make them feel like you really needed their help and thank them.  This will help you keep a deep and trusting bond with them and help them to trust you when they reach the point where it becomes  difficult to communicate.  And, even then, they are still there in their own minds.  If you have close and intimate contact with them, you will see it in their eyes and feel it in their hugs.  They are still there, somewhere.

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